The girls went to mums on tuesday while i worked, i am really hating work at the minute, not so much the work but just having to go to work when everyone else is off.
Its just a crappy time of year, bleak and cold and i am so single.......theres nothing like christmas and new years to remind you of your maritual status.
The little ones came home and were mean't to go to their dads but i took the night off and said i would have them instead, i think the mother in law wasn't so stoked but i need them near me sometimes, to be able to touch their little faces and think 'i made you'.
Today was different, i needed katie time, lee was working but rang up to ask to have them overnight, he misses them and i want him to have as much of them as he can, they need us both and i know i can't do this without him.
Anyway he came to pick them up and it was so nice to see all their faces light up when they all saw each other, it was one of those times when you wish you could take a picture.
I feel the most guilty when he leaves at night, if he has popped in to see them after work, his shoulders kind of sink and i feel like a heel, everyone says he just wants me to see that so i'll feel bad but i can't believe that of him.
I have been trying to figure out why if i don't hold any bad feelings for this man, how could it have all gone so so wrong and the plain fact is i don't love him.......i wish i did.