what katie did

After writing my post i phoned my best friend j, she is the kind of best friend who never says the things you want to hear, she tells you like it is and makes all manner of cruel jokes at your self pitying.
I miss her soo much, after spending a couple of years with each other we both returned to our roots and ended up an age apart (me london, her northumberland), now we see each other once every couple of months and spend a fortune on late night phonecalls.

Anyway, last night was spent doing just that and whilst we were in the middle of disscussing the pros and cons of spying on ex's (for research of course) my little pop woke up, i heard a little cry and then 'mummy i have just been sick in my mouth', she wouldn't go back to bed without me being up there and so i went to bed.
I thought she would just doze off and i could sneak away but no, she wanted to talk, about nursery, about her dad and about being sweaty?
I don't really know if at four she can really get her head around whats going on with her parents yet but i get the impression she is ok with it, she says she can see we are more friendly now and i smile more, which left me feeling a kind of sad/happy.
We both feel asleep at about two but i had some horrible dreams and kept finding myself sitting up in the dark covered in a cold sweat.

I am worried.........about being a single mum, about bringing the girls up the right way and about ending up with a million cats and stinking of piss........that woman who the neighbours never knew died until the stench got so bad that the council are called in!

This morning i found i had a new email from a address i didn't know, it was a picture of an erect willy being measured..........the news reader is trying to get into my pants by baring myself to me, i think it was meant to be erotic but all i really wanted to do was reach into the picture and give it a nasty chinese burn.

And tonight i am defo going to write about tom, its time to purge and then get a clean slate and start over, god i miss him.........i need to sort it out.

Balls to lot lot of them.........men that is.......secretly i don't mean that but jesus, they say things without thinking first and then wonder why you start sobbing.
Lee took the girls last night and we had a little text at about ten, its usual, just 'hey are those babies ok', anyway its was all ok until quite out of the blue he says 'i know you're lonely'.........great!
Nothing like your ex (who i dumped btw) telling you he can see your lonely, its ok for him, we get married, move to HIS village, he still see's all of HIS mates while i have spent the last four years cooking , cleaning and mothering.
Of course its not his fault but yes i know i'm lonely so why does he have to rub it in.
So today i got up, washed, got dressed and thought about going to the shops........and thought..........and then there was a knock at the door, every time the door goes or the phone for that matter, i think tom has come to his senses, he wants me!. It wasn't tom (of course), it was my friend the news reader, well i say friend but really all he wants to do is get in my knickers but because he is married and i don't fancy him very much i manage to resist.
Anyway he said he knew i was down (they are all at it) and what did i have to do today?
We went to the shops, i don't think he liked it much but it got me out of the house and my jogging bottoms and i think i actually made a couple of jokes.
Later back at home he tried it on again.......and what really did he expect? My marriage is down the shitter and i have just met and lost the love of my love but yeah ok, fuck me coz that will take it all away????

Tonight though, like all nights, its all about tom.
I want to write it all down but i think if i do its there and i can't take it back, let alone try and forget him.
I want to think about it and then just get it out in one go, actually all i want is him.......oh god.

I am going to go lay on the sofa, watch come shitty telly and have a little smoke..........i might not be doing the sex and the rock and roll at the moment but hey, have dope will smoke!
I am bad, very very bad, i know............i won't even try to excuse it.

The girls went to mums on tuesday while i worked, i am really hating work at the minute, not so much the work but just having to go to work when everyone else is off.
Its just a crappy time of year, bleak and cold and i am so single.......theres nothing like christmas and new years to remind you of your maritual status.
The little ones came home and were mean't to go to their dads but i took the night off and said i would have them instead, i think the mother in law wasn't so stoked but i need them near me sometimes, to be able to touch their little faces and think 'i made you'.
Today was different, i needed katie time, lee was working but rang up to ask to have them overnight, he misses them and i want him to have as much of them as he can, they need us both and i know i can't do this without him.
Anyway he came to pick them up and it was so nice to see all their faces light up when they all saw each other, it was one of those times when you wish you could take a picture.
I feel the most guilty when he leaves at night, if he has popped in to see them after work, his shoulders kind of sink and i feel like a heel, everyone says he just wants me to see that so i'll feel bad but i can't believe that of him.
I have been trying to figure out why if i don't hold any bad feelings for this man, how could it have all gone so so wrong and the plain fact is i don't love him.......i wish i did.

A couple of months ago i fell hopelessly in love with this bloke (tom), teenage stuff, i thought i had been in love before but, from what i know now, i probably never was.
when it started i was just getting out of a six year marriage and was trying to sheild my little girls (pop & hols) from anything horrid.
my ex (lee) and i were mature about it but its tricky when there is children involved........and the guilt factor when you are the one who did it.
the tom thing didn't work out as well as i'd hoped and now i am alone with the girls and lots of time at night to ponder everything.......i do a great line in pondering.
so i thought i'd use this as my little out let for the pondering, a holiday for my mind.